Attended a family meeting this evening with my siblings to talk about our mother’s health. Turns out I realized quite a number of things this evening. Some were observed in the moment and others were upon reflection. Please allow me to share:
- I am still affected by my perception and interaction with my siblings.
- I do not understand where they are coming from.
- AND they appear to have no clue where I am coming from.
- When I look at them I continue to see any challenges we have had between us in the past.
- I do not know how to forgive.
That last one…that’s the doozy!
Walter and I ended up with a HUGE discussion on the importance of forgiveness including the part about whatever you are feeling is totally on you – your responsibility – because no one can make another person feel anything – you can only allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. I get the whole forgiveness part so I can be free of this negative emotion. I just don’t know HOW to do it. So I understand it….but I have no clue how to truly put it into reality. AND this does not appear to be one of those deals you can “fake it till you make it”.
Walter kept telling me that “it does not exist”. By recognizing it, you cause it to exist. If I do not recognize it, give it any power by offering it my concentration, then it does not exist. So whatever I need to concentrate on – other than that – is good and then it does not exist.
THIS is where I go a wee bit squirrelly. Logically, I explained to him, whatever THAT is still exists. You’re just telling me to concentrate on something else…but it still exists…I can’t fake that it does not exist by thinking about something else. We went round and round in circles until two words changed it all. He finally said….
It does not exist “for me”.
Whoa! Am I gaining a bit of clarity here? The jury is still out but I may be getting closer. So work with me here…
Since in my reality it does not matter if something exists for someone else…it only matters what exists for me. AND if I do not acknowledge it in any way – completely. truly. honestly, wholeheartedly have no recognition of its existence…THEN it does not exist “for me”.
OK- So on that note I’m going to call it a night. I will ponder this further right before my sit – the time at night..just before you go to sleep, when your mind is open to new and interesting ways to observe something…and you just allow it to unfold. Catch you on the flip side tomorrow.