Next – I observed taking a daunting task and breaking it down into bite sized pieces to handle. I used logic and process with a touch of heart – sorting through over 120 pictures and choosing only 50 for the funeral service. I struggled until I broke it down into about 10 categories, sorted based upon the new criteria and then I chose. It felt good to contribute.
I then observed that we truly do all deal with this differently – watching and listening to one of my brothers and one of my sisters when we met with the Reverend. All 3 of us had different ways of communicating our thoughts on mom.
The next observation came when i was standing in the kitchen, looking outside – without really seeing anything. I realized this world does not have the same energy signal – with my mom’s body no longer being infused. It felt like a shift look place.
I then stepped back and took a good long look at how I was dealing with things. I was speaking with a friend who shared her husband had a similar experience with his family as I have with mine. When his mother died he declared “My contract was with Mom. My contract is not with my siblings. Now that she’s gone, the contract is no longer in place.” I truly love this. It puts it into a different perspective for me.
I recognized I was able to release feelings of disappointment and frustration within a shorter period of time. My observation here was realizing I can make this less – it just takes time. And if I work on it – the time between feeling it and allowing it to be released from me – well, that will get shorter and shorter!
I then recognized I am pleased my mom had my sister – who stayed by her side and held her as she died. From what I can ascertain of who I am, the ability to do what she did for mom does not appear to be a part of me. Or by having her available, I did not need to be this person. We may never know which it is.
I experienced many emotions today: anger at my siblings for being remiss to include all of us on one of the major planning sessions for moms service; recognition that they have their own individual coping capabilities; negative emotion of any kind does me absolutely no good and additionally the person I have these feelings about – well, they have no clue – so what’s the point?; I am who I am and I do what feels right for me. As Walter stated this morning “Be kind to yourself; Seek only your own approval.”
I am blessed to have such an understanding, wise and supportive husband – one who respects who I am, encourages me to shine with all that I am within, and who would willingly slay any dragon in my way – even if it was related! He is my reality check, my filter and my reminder for what is important.