One of the things I have struggled with lately is my need for approval. I know that only my opinion of myself matters. I teach our son for him to remain true to himself. I see a lot of myself in him…in how he interacts with others, and his need for approval. Where does this meme stop?
The meme stops when I can understand where it starts, what triggers it and then choose a different path, so that I create a new meme which is in keeping with what I know to be true.
So…where did it start? Walter and I discussed it and we looked at my family. I remember as a child having either approval from my mother or my father. Rarely did I have both their approvals. I recall bringing home my grade 5 report card – filled with VG (the highest mark you could get) with only 1 G (the next down). My father asked me what happened in the 1 subject to get a G. It was a defining moment…I did not share my report card with him (willingly) again.
Then I looked at my siblings. They were all older with my closest siblings, 4, 5.5 and 6.5 years older being mostly a clique and then the oldest from this paired with my brother who is 8 years older and lastly the 2 oldest being mostly on their own – other than they tended to ‘take care’ of my (babysit) while my mother was working. I was the odd one out from a sociability perspective.
Now add to this they are all motivated by power – strength and moving things forward. I was a social being – motivated by intimacy – connecting with people around me. So…if I could not connect with them (due to the age differences) I connected with my friends and support circle. But, because I wanted to belong, I still attempted to seek my siblings out….without getting what I desired. I can’t imagine why? I was a complete angel! NOT! I was a bit of a brat when I think about it.
As an adult I have always looked for approval – shining when the work place management would pat me on the back and sulk when management did not provide that appreciation. I spent years looking for approval and allowed the environment to dictate my thoughts.
Then you have to identify it as it happens. Check
Lastly you replace the thought process with a new (healthier) thought process. Working on it!
Walter has agreed to assist me. I’ve always admired people who are able to allow things to bounce off them. To be confident in themselves and project this air of total alignment of their actions and thoughts, knowing their self worth, relying only on themselves for approval. I vow to seek this in others so I may educe this in myself. Thank you for being here.