Over the past year I have been systematically releasing all that I had embraced, all that I understood defined me. Why?
December 10th, 2014 I chose to put my foot down (proverbially) and follow my, and my family’s, dream to Costa Rica. Over the next 6 months we sold the house, the mustang convertible, 95% of the possessions we owned and we left Canada. Woo Hoo! I was on my way to living my vision.
Or was I?
- My vision included an amazing view of the lake – check!
- My vision included Walter playing piano – check!
- My vision included teaching our son about living on purpose – check!
- My vision included spending more quality time with my family – no check because while I was with them more often physically I was not as present as I had intended to be.
- My vision included painting, being more creative – definitely no check as this part totally got lost in the shuffle.
- My vision included creating something to teach children all we know – no check!
Why was I not living all the aspects of my vision?
This leads to a further release of what I understood defined me….
I recently made the decision to move away from a course I’d been totally immersed in for the last few years. The teachings, the logic, the results of this course are phenomenal. I loved the message and the methods. I loved guiding others and watching them find their bliss. So why would I choose to remove myself?
In going through this decision making process I realize I had concentrated on external forces which really had nothing to do with the actual teachings of the course. The external included who said what, how it was said, what was implied, what was actually meant, how if felt. While all of these points were certainly valid, and supported my decision to remove myself from the course, why was I still rehashing it all in my mind?
48 hours later I recognized a pattern!!!
Prior to heading out on my own as a consultant I had resigned from the last 2 corporations I worked for (1 for 5 years and another for 15). When I thought back to how I felt then and I how felt now…there were definite similarities. I had also concentrated on the external when leaving these positions – who said what, how it was said, what was implied, what was actually meant, how if felt…same stuff repeated. AND guess what? I rehashed it then! It took me years to release those situations fully.
What a waste of brain cells!
No way do I want this situation to take that long.
So…Other than me, what was the common factor?
Over the last 2 days I looked within myself and realized I had not been aligned with my purpose. My efforts are supposed to be fulfilling my purpose are they not? But when I looked at these 3 situations I was working alongside others for someone else’s vision and mine got put on hold.
Now, it did not start out that way. I would like what was being offered. Enjoyed the product or business and the message. I would start out by being as helpful as I could. Learning as much as I could. I did what was expected of me and more often than not, what was not expected of me – typically exceeding expectations. Taking on more responsibilities was common. I figured my place within the organization, my role, was helping me to fulfill my purpose.
THEN…I would get to a point where I started to become dissatisfied. I saw others’ ways of doing things were not in alignment with how I believed it could (and sometimes even ‘should’) be done. I took ownership in my mind…but it was not mine to take. So when I became frustrated I blamed it on the fact we no longer saw eye to eye and I could not understand why they did not see my perspective.
Guess what? It was never meant to be my direction for their vision. It was their direction for their vision. So when I started to believe in a different direction for their vision – this is when the discord started. This is when I became dissatisfied. This is when I concentrated on the external BS and allowed it to affect me and how I was living my day.
It was not about them. It was about me.
By working on someone else’s vision I learned a great deal. I was able to be of service – something which is inherent to my core desires. But by doing all this I also postponing my own vision from developing.
I realize these 3 scenarios are like me being that “square peg” and each of these other company’s directions was a different shaped hole. If their “hole” is big enough, my “peg” can typically slide into place, although at no time is it a prefect fit. These different shaped holes are created by and for the person whose vision it is.
I realize I must clearly identify my vision and once I do, it will automatically be the same shaped hole as my peg. This is when I will know it is my purpose, my true ‘perfect fit’.
It is not their vision which defines me. It is not my actions while working on their vision which defines me. It is not continuing on or moving away from their vision which defines me. Me fulfilling my purpose for being, actually embracing, creating and living my dharma…THIS defines me.
So it’s not about who said what and what was said (etc.). It’s not about me not agreeing with someone or them not agreeing with me. What they are doing and how they are doing it is absolutely perfect…for them! So while these discords may have been the catalyst which got me to move on or resign…they are not the true cause. Any disharmony is mine and mine alone as I chose not to remain in alignment with my purpose.
February 7, 2014 I wrote “In order to teach the valuable lessons to our 8.5 year old son, …Why not create something which could be shared with children”. THIS has not been clearly defined in my written goals. Although I teach all we’ve learned from Deepak, Wayne Dyer and so many other amazing authors…I have not been creating my vision…teaching children.
My observations these past few days are of magnificent proportions and I’m grabbing a hold for life, my life!
This week I am voluntarily choosing to be alone without electronics for 72 hours. My family drops me off shortly. I am taking my paints, my canvases, my journal and a pen. I am going to spend time allowing my mind to become quiet. I plan to ponder my vision and flesh it out. Look out world…here I come!