Was driving back from dropping off homemade turkey soup to my mom today when my mind drifted to thoughts of my siblings. I even entertained (briefly) the idea of calling one up and dropping by. Years ago I used to spend quite a bit of time with a few of them. However, over the past 3-4 years any interaction has been either non-existent or only as it relates (recently) to the welfare and care of our mother.
With thoughts of leaving the country for a good portion of the balance of my life, many people have queried how we will deal with the challenge of missing family. I ponder whether we would miss family or whether we would miss the illusion of what family could be even though it is not.
I recall splitting up with a boyfriend in my late teens and being rather distraught. After quite a bit of reflection (yes…I was always like this) I came to the realization I was missing my perception of who I thought this young man was. When the rose-coloured glasses were completely removed – and I saw him clearly – I realized the person I was missing did not actually exist other than in my mind. And since he did not exist – missing him was a useless way to spend my time.
Just because someone is “blood” does it mean they are “family”? In our society two people choose to be spouses/partners and then, for some of them, they create another being through their joining. The parents who are not blood are considered family members to the child who is only partially of their blood. Then we have couples who adopt and their children are not blood but they are considered family. Or we have the step fathers and step mothers who are not blood but still family. So when people who are not of the same blood can be called family, it may also be reasonable to deduce the possibility those who are of the same blood could be considered not-family.
It appears to boil down to two things: choice and our definition of what family is.
There is a person in my life I consider to be “family by choice”. This person is someone I can tell all my deepest thoughts to without needing to filter, knowing there is no judgement. They are someone whom I know I could call on at 2am and they would not only pick up the phone, they would do whatever it takes to help. This person knows me for all that I am and loves me unconditionally. And I offer the same back. From my perspective, based upon my perception, this is what family is. Some may consider this a pretty tall order but if I choose to treat those I consider to be family like this, why would I settle for anything less?
There may be hope between myself and maybe one or two of my siblings. The rest…well, I’ll leave them as having an outside possibility. Since I know God has a sense of humour, I’d be silly to rule anything out.
Either way, what I’ve decided is to only concern myself with the reality and not any form of illusion.
Would really like to hear what you think?
Those one shares one or both birth parents with, and their kith and kin, may or may not be family. I have had the joy of seeing entire family groups who truly love, accept, and respect one another. Geography can do nothing to keep these folks from joyful sharings of their lives in person and otherwise. So, deny your dream because of the illusion of separation geography presents! Rubbish!!! And that family of choice person, that one wants for you what makes your heart sing. The rest? Who cares? Certainly not any of them.
(My opinion, because you asked for it and I am an expert in family relations)
I knew I could count on you for your opinion! Thank you Cassandra.
Interesting thoughts Carolynn. I can totally relate to the ‘illusion’ of who you think someone is, and your words have helped me very much. Thank you for sharing. I’ve learn’t so much these last couple of years and come to understand that we choose our parents on a spiritual level. Whether we also choose our siblings I don’t know, but hope you might find this interesting. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XWncR8N3A8
Sandra, you are an inspiration and I appreciate your support. Thank you for the additional link.
The heart is the best judge of who your family is…and is not. When we listen to our hearts we always do the right thing. The challenge is the heart only whispers and we must listen closely over the noise of life.
Even when we met I needed to clear my clutter to hear what my heart was saying from that very first moment.
Trust your heart! You have have a Good one.
I remember we both had clutter. My heart immediately recognized yours. I’m glad we cleaned up the room!